Extend your height.

Regardless of what you’ve been told size does matter. Whether it relates to the size of your chair on board an aircraft, the dimension of a steak you’re served at a restaurant or the capacity of your MP3 player bigger is always better! As men we’re very particular about dimensions relating to our willy and height since it has it’s manly to be tall the same way it’s feminine to be thin. Just look at how obsessed the pope is, sitting taller than all beings on earth in his customized car.

Getting bullied at primary school for being short there was always the comfort of our teachers’ and parent’s words of comfort that we will grow taller with age. When the age of 20 is reached the skeleton in the body has pretty much hit maximum size leaving hopeless short people with zero hope. Women have the advantage of being happily accepted regardless of height and can always get a few inches closer to space by wearing a pair of high heel shoes. Men are on the other hand left with very few ways of defying ones physical height.

The human mind is highly intelligent but suffers from flaws opening the brain up to exploitation through illusions. In plain English it means that there are ways of looking taller without physically being taller! One of the easiest ways of doing so is by wearing a…….*drumroll* hat or wearing your hear in a way that it gives you a few extra inches. Obviously it doesn’t mean that every short man should walk around with the same silhouette as Marge Simpson. The whole objective is to make the face look more slender like the mast on the top of the Empire State building making it look mightier.

Option number two is dressing yourself in clothes that give you a sleeker appearance notably outfits that expose your belt line leaving the entire length of your legs visible to the world. Take inspiration for super models who look very tall whenever they are dressed in trousers. During the summer heat a common choice is wearing shorts but what more men should do is put on a pair of low shoes and leave the socks at home. Suddenly there’s more leg real-estate visible and everyone around you will be rolling their eyes up and down your legs!

Cash rules everything around me.

What a Monday, sun ray beaming Mediterranean heat on London letting giving people the pleasure of enjoying a tropical summer before ending their semester this week. In a fashionable habit of last year, a few hundreds of people from the Middle East have descended up on Knightsbridge in accordance with their anticipated Arab Invasion.

So what do these people smell like? They don’t smell like "Gucci Envy Me" nor sand, but more like 89 octane unleaded petroleum. Finally the Londoners got to see how the money they spend fueling up their cars indirectly ends up being used for. With Shell having reported a $23 billion dollar UK profits for 2007 the future is bright as a Sony Bravia for UAE, Qatar and Saudi Arabian tourists coming to London for some shopping.

Today The area around Harrods’ was literarily segregated into three world; Beggars looking to snag a few notes out of the rich, us people who did our shopping during the sale that ended last week and benevolent Arabs with credit cards getting more friction than sandpaper used during the construction of a wooden bowl. Bystanders were left with their tails hanging between their legs and their self-worth hitting rock bottom. There was even a nice little outdoor restaurant(not pictured) branching out of Harrods which froze out anyone not a citizen of an OPEC nation or stepping out of a Lamborghini with Dubai plates.

Worst of all is that I discovered that my favorite fast-food restaurant on Brick Lane selling a KFC styled meal of fried chicken and French fries have increased the meal with 25% from the unbeatable £1 to £1.25. I guess the increasing fuel prices and dropping property values have begun to bite in. That leaves me with the option of either growing my own chicken and potatoes or begin digging for oil. Notable cars seen were Rolls-Royce Drophead Coupe x 2, Lamborghini LP 640 x 3, Rolls Royce Phantom x 2, Ferrari 599 GTB x 2, Ferrari F430 x 2, Mercedes Maybach x 2 and Mercedes SLR Roadster.

Prada SS08

Many designers design smashing runway collection but very few of the collections are strengthened with an ad campaign of the same caliber. Prada stunned last summer with an innovative SS09 collections for men and women. Continuing with the theme for the free state of mind that dominated during the 70s Prada let a graphic artist ejaculate their creativity on a set of screens acting as background for the magical clothes. The end result became what can be described as artistic excellence and the best presentation of a runway collection since Gucci SS07.

The ladyboy.

Manchester United’s machine gunner is currently enjoying a relaxing recovery away from the soccer craze in Europe. Having had an ankle surgery there’s no more peaceful way to let the bones and tendons heal than flossin’ in SoCal where only a tiny majority of people even know of you.

Contrary to a low key profile most top athletes would prefer Cristiano Ronaldo didn’t make an effort looking invisible. Greased up in his compulsory hair wax he has taken fashion for the disabled to a new level. Dressing himself up as eye candy for homosexuals dreaming of a man dressed as a high school girl Cristiano accentuated his skin tone with a pink DSquared T-shirt. To enlighten Sunset Boulevard pedestrians even more the metallic miniature Dolce & Gabbana shorts made him look like a near over burnt croissant lying on tinfoil. Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls should be jealous now when he’s officially the most tanned guy and showbiz ever. He does deserve style points for the highly contrasting somewhat girly sneakers and the stealthy crotches. No matter how obscene he’s dressed his image is untouchable after having topped the Premier League 2007/2008 season’s score board with a menacing total of 42 goals.

Gianni Versace.

Some designers are just labels while others are mega sized corporate giants consisting of several divisions. Versace happen to be the latter one is unlike many other designers extended beyond sunglasses, deodorants and clothing. Beside all the Versace lines seen in departments stores there is Versace Home collection, and as the name suggest it is in the same branch as IKEA which is home décor.

As middle class citizens can only afford a scented candle from Versace Home, career-less 27 years old women desperate to marry a stockbroker dream of an ostentatious Versace bathroom. Taking a dump surrounded by Medusa heads is possible in Australia where an Armani hotel is located and there’s a second one currently taking form in what is to become the world tallest building, Burj Dubai, in which the Armani hotel will occupy numerous floor levels.

Those who don’t believe the phrase “there’s no such thing as too much money” can finally put their arms down and surrender because now there’s a way to spend even more money on an already expensive Learjet, Gulfstream or Bombardier. Cruising at Mach 0.85 on the voyage to the height of Mr.Almighty there’s only one way of getting crowned as the God of fashion, and that’s by overlooking the troposphere in a Gulfstream interior commissioned by Gianni Versace.

SS09: Reflections and summary.

As everyone is patiently waiting for the Women’s NY, Paris, Milan and London SS09 calendar we men are left hanging after our disappointing SS09 that didn’t end with a fashiongasmic climax. None of the shows have been astounding to the level that makes you want to rush outdoors and do cartwheels naked on the grass. Anna Wintour was bound to have left Milan disappointed.

Much of what has been created looks like a diet version of the designers’ respective AW collection. The use of dark colour and sober shades of grey, green and brown triggers a sense of fatigue as opposed to enlightenment and joy that usually associated with Spring/Summer collections.

Star of SS09

Dries Van Noten

The highly anticipated DH and Lanvin’s shows failed to evoke the sensation of butterflies in people’s stomachs with earth shaking creations. That led to Belgian giant Dries Van Noten rose to the occasion standing taller than the Eiffel Tower in France when he unveiled an astoundingly charming SS09 collection.

Losers

Louis Vuitton

Enjoying the success of his own label and what he has done for the LV women’s collection Marc Jacobs is on a steam train like motion at LV. Sadly he’s failed to stun in the world of men’s wear continuously creating tame collection suffering from a deficit in attitude and style. Having gone through and image makeover and overcoming a drug addiction Marc Jacobs need to fight his tendency of creating collection which looks like it could have been designed by Calvin Klein.

Dior Homme

Shamelessly trying to replicate old DH collection from 2006 Kris Van Assche is steering DH into an ice berg. Not only was DH SS09 pitifully embarrassing but is contains traces of design elements from Van Assche’s own line.

Gucci

It’s funny that the latest SS and AW Gucci’s collection have the same theme as their predecessors. AW07 and AW09 were amazing which a style and baroque character that should be of the liking of Faberge Egg loving Russian Billionaire who engaging in purchase of crass luxury products. At the other tip of the scale we have SS08 and SS09 which looks like what could have been the result if Gucci designed a limited collection for TopMan.

Winners

Burberry Prorsum

Burberry is associated by the beige tartan pattern usually seen on the inside of their jacket and coated around their cheaper line of bags. The second signature of the British brand is trench coats. Bailey has proven that he can comfortably design a high end collection that has a strong identity without using those two elements.

Etro

Doing something different from everyone else Etro stunned with an Aladdin styled collection with influences from Morocco and Persia. Gorgeous graphics highlighted by bright colour in shiny materials resulted in a sensual and romantic batch of outfit, though those allergic to glossy clothes might think of the outfits below as appalling.

Kenvin Ferderline’s choice: Kris Van Assche SS09

Formal wear.

So you’ve just received a letter with containing a scented card with raised lettering stating that you’ve been invited to a banquet. The typical first reaction is happiness followed by hours of bitterness over what to wear. Formal festivities are different in that they require unique attire not worn elsewhere and make the navy blue pinstriped suit people pull out for interviews look as extravagant as potato salad.

Quick to solve the problem for blue collar people lacking a formal wardrobe is to head down to the local `Roger Burgess formal wear rental´-shop and nab an outfit that has served the entire neighborhood for 8 years. Although a math’s geek might not feel bothered about wearing an ill-fitting and worn out suit, someone particular about their appearance would rather skip an event staying at home browsing youtube for funny clips. After all, beauty comes from within doesn’t it? Any slightest hint of discomfort or dissatisfaction over how you look will show in the eyes of the beholder. So what if there’s no rental shop offering anything fabulous then acquiring your very own tuxedo may be the one and only way.

The question is whether to buy a not to buy. A tuxedo is typically not something you will be using on a daily basis unless you’re a wedding planer which makes it hard to sell out a third of your salary an outfit that may run the risk of spending most of the time during its lifespan dusting in the wardrobe like a mummy rather than getting makeup smudges from intoxicated classy women leaning their heads on your chest.

Then there is one off occasions in your life that might warrant the purchase of a tux and that might be a gala where you are to be presented with an award or a university graduation prom. The memories and emotional attachment that the tux can become a part of will make the purchase even more meaningful. Just like a wedding dress it will evoke, what will hopefully be, happy recollections of whatever experiences you had dressed handsomely in your tux. Renting a suit for a special deprives you from the opportunity of experiencing history by wearing your attire years down the line trying to reminisce and cherish the past while looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror.

Dress codes at award ceremonies, weddings and formal dinners tend to be very strict, meaning that if “black tuxedo” is stated on the invitation card then that’s what everyone will oblige to. With that being said a Tony Montana styled red tuxedo will most likely not make you appear as a bright individual. Although following dress codes is advisable it doesn’t mean that one has to look arrive to an event looking generic like a circus monkey. There are ways to stand out in an orthodox way and that’s by wearing pieces made out of top quality. Truth be told a well tailored tux of top quality will outshine a rental tux from a million miles distance. Small details like the choice of watch, shoes and cufflinks can make a big difference if one represses the thought that everything has to be black and white. At the end of the day the best accessory is an immaculate dressed date, so if you’re eyeing success then focus more on what they will be wearing.

SS09: DSquared Men

What’s up ladies, gents and free range chickens?! Dean and Dan Caten are holding down I Milan for the peeps in Ontario Canada with a blazin hot SS09 collection.

Alright, enough with the lameness and lets resume to normal English. Worthy applause are Dsquared who seem to have picked up a guide on how to design a fashion collection without treating it like NASCAR racing gear, putting decals everywhere. For once the Canadian super designers have also refrained from their normal habit of trying to cover the entire periodic table by putting together outfits which tend to be an orgy of an excessive number of different materials and colours.

Taking a pause from their usual over-exhausted “street-punk”-theme DS2 has for their SS09 turned to barbershops for inspiration. More sacred than your average hairdresser barbershops are really gentlemen clubs but without the cigars and leather sofas and complimentary whisky. While people are getting their hair cut others just stop by for a chat about sports, ladies, politics. The last group of people who might stop by their local barbershop does so to flaunt their new car parked right outside, cell phone, brand new sneaker or gold chain the thickness of your big toe like the ones seen in the images.

Sadly DS2 have exaggerated the theme with models making poses that are so embarrassing that they can make Lil’Wayne turn his back on Hip Hop and form a band with James Blunt. Luckily the human mind is strong enough to ignore the poses and focus on the clothes which are of a summery character and don’t look heavy unlike various other pieces seen in numerous SS09 collection colored in dark and dull shades. Studying some of the clothes in isolation they aren’t season nor trend specific and can form a good base for a high end wardrobe. They will be very appreciated by DS2 fans who’ve have run out of luck trying to get their hands on neutral DS2 merchandise.

-Visible pubic hear which could be offensive to children and most importantly heterosexual men.

-The Stan Smith rip-offs.

-Ridiculous Looney Toons styled poses.

-The coloured socks don’t fit in.

-Wide pants.

-Tyson Beckford’s right arm entirely covered by tattoos.

+Awesome sunglasses.

+Collection with minimal distortion.

+Young and fresh image.

Grade: 6.9/10 Although some might initially be horrified by DSquared SS09 it is one of their best collections in a long while. Easy on the eyes it consists of many wearable pieces which could be nicely mixed with what people already have at home.

Kink.

SS09: Bag Bonanza!

Time to zoom in what the models hold firmly in their right hand walk strolling down the run way. It’s not a bottle of Gatorade but mouth watering bags stuffed with paper, bubble wrap and what not. Landing at prices of €600-1000 and beyond, the bags tend to be the most limited and bank account ruining pieces, but their beauty is rarely appreciating by looking at low resolution images. So feast your eyes on this collage of SS09 line-up for bags plus some delicates from AW08.

Zen and harmony.

Second homes have become the new way for the rich to mix business with pleasure. Watching a documentary about the rich and famous on MTV you might have asked yourself “Why the hell does Ophra Winfrey need 5 homes, can’t all her books fit in one house?”. It’s not that she and other wealthy individuals love the pleasure of having multiple houses as if they are playing Monopoly but more because they want to mix business with pleasure.

Buying a second home if done with calculation and a decent dose of speculation might flip into a profitable investment, and while owning the property it could serve as a hide away. Holiday homes is the new wave luxury vacation for the rich. Instead of spending money on living in expensive hotels dealing stressed out by other tourists and check out times, a second home offer the optimal environment for a busy and tense inner city executive to slow wind. It offers the luxury of freedom to be alone in one building and staying there as long as you please without the getting your credit card charged €700 per night.

Visiting the same holiday house can become an annual boredom which is why business like holiday home clubs have emerged. Pay €250 000 for a fractional ownership in a set of houses located in various places around the world and then an annual fee of €12 000 covering maintenance, insurance, furniture and concierge service. Offering the awesome desirability of choice between multiple homes these clubs are the perfection choice for those leaning more to the pleasure rather than investment. The relief of having someone else maintain the homes with you’re financial risk being minimal result in the supreme way of vacating.

One geographical area overlooked is East Asia. The ancient countries like Japan and China have a long history of simple living in the rural areas. Living according to philosophies revolving around the mind and the elements of earth, countries in the Far East have a rich culture of stress relief. Wake up six in the morning to the sound of the bird pulling you towards the outdoor terrace where you inhale clean and humid air while watching the mist sweeping across the canopy of dense vegetations. Energize your senses with a cup of chocolate mint tea while preparing a warm breakfast made out of freshly grown ingredients from the local market.

BMW have used Zen as inspiration for the new BMW 7-series(F07) which was unveiled last week. The F01 is replacing one of the most debated cars ever, the E65 which marked a new epoch in BMW’s history. With an ugly exterior design and complicated iDrive the E65 was never motor journalist’s favorite huggy bear. Responding to what has been harsh criticism towards iDrive the new 7-Series comes the revised iDrive 2.0 which BMW claim is more intuitive and easier to use than iDrive 1.0.

Unlike the controversial design of the E65 BMW hasn’t gone nuts with the new model but instead taken an evolutionary path of perfecting the areas of the predecessor. The front end of the F01 is highly similar to the E65 with near identical head lights but the new appearance is harmonizing and more mature rather than experimental. Some of the clientèle for cars like the Mercedes S-class, Audi A8, Lexus LS are men of discretion who will be very pleased by the slender and elegant design of the F01.

Dominated by huge tail lights the rear end has zero offensiveness about it and is less horrific than the predecessor and BMW 6-Series featuring the very famous “bangle-but”. The modern but tones down lines continues in the interior that has traditional cockpit with a T-shaped layout of wood panels scattered with high quality German buttons down the middle console. Much of the messy and imperfect lines and design cues of the predecessor have been ironed out and smeared with grace giving a sense of tranquility with few visual distractions. Although the design is appealing it runs the risk of looking boring next year when the S-Class receives a facelift and the new Audi A8 enters the market. Unlike previous BMW models this is the least striking model to roll out of Munich but as a whole a design success.

Gladiator Sandals.

Feeling a bit of sweaty walking around with your feet covered in tube socks and sneakers with zero ventilation? Then a pair on ancient inspired gladiator sandals shall relinquish your feet from the discomfort of summer heat letting the little Sparta inside of you walk on a voyage towards style euphoria.

Gladiator sandals have for some time been a hot item amongst the female celeb fashion elite. So now it’s time for men to get out there on the field and battle it out with the opposite gender. More chic than bathroom flip flops tourists love wearing on trips abroad outdoors gladiator sandals are the ultimate summer footwear if made out of high quality leather with well crafted details in metal.

Walking in footwear exposing what could be gruesome feet comes with a big hygiene responsibility. Feet scare people, they touch the ground and can be very smelly not to mention make you throw breakfast up the throat. Therefore feet care is essential when sharing your toes with the rest of the world. Nobody would be delighted to see dirty feet walking all over their living room carpet. Step one is investing in a proper brush able scrubbing the feet clean as your hands. Smelly feet are easily taken care of with erhmm…deodorants for feet. If laziness is an obstacle a spray can of AXE should do the trick or any fragrance that laying around.

SS09: Dior Homme Men

SS08 was gaspingly difficult for many to absorb due to the very private showroom presentation and simplistic nature of the clothes. But eventually some people came around and accepted it as a directional collection of what the new DH is. Jumping into a time machine 6 months ahead the AW08 was a revolution of the “low diet” SS08 with even more exaggerated pleats and darker colours than Darth Vader’s mantle. The style and left people with a strange taste mouth like after having eaten the piece of skin of an avocado. Still, the design of collection was very French, avant-garde looking just right for a prestigious and elegant French brand like Dior falling in line with YSL. All in all, a merely acceptable collection with insufficient style to awe an audience hoping to be blown away.

On his third attempt Van Assche has sadly failed one again. The correlation between the SS09 and his previous shows is zero. Assche doesn’t know what direction he wants to steer the DH in, he’s lost and is in desperate need of a compass. Marking himself as the new alpha male in the fashion house by creating a collection so different from Hedi’s work it was pretty clear that we were entering a new era. But now Assche is walking backwards trying to reinvent the wheel by creating a neo-Hedi summer collection which embarrassingly falls completely flat. Many familiar signature design elements are there like skinny style of the trousers worn by the typical premature models hired by Hedi. Additionally we can see what looks like new versions of the D-point belt. In there is also a bunch of random garments like a white Spiderman shirt and a few pieces which presumably have been ripped one or two times by Wolverine.

It’s not that the collection is ugly because truth be told there are a nice percentage of wearable pieces in their. What’s heartbreaking is the identity crisis shining throughout the outfits. Is it Van Assche’s work or a poor rehash of past in an attempt by Van Assche to flirt with Hedi’s followers? Regardless, he’s done a very poor job on his third chance of rising as the most influential men’s designer on the planet. With time it has become clear that DH is too big for him to manage, especially when he’s already struggling to put his on label on the map. Although Assche can’t arguably be seen as a poor designer he’s just not the right man for the job. Filling the shoes of a martyr for a design is a tough task which very few can accomplish.

One great designer is Chris Bangle who took over as the chief designer for BMW in the beginning of the latest century and is responsible for all bimmers introduced from year 2002 and forward. Despite criticism received for irregularities and ugliness with early car models he eventually came around with some very striking car models revolutionizing the design of automobiles. Van Assche on the other hand is now on the his last life and must deliver in February next year or else I fear that he might be replaced due to the overwhelmingly poor criticism Dior Homme is taking because of him.

+Cool sunglasses which probably caught the attention of Kanye West who sat on front row at the show.

+Outdoor presentation? Lovely!

+The high tops used on gravel will probably end up on a sample sale somewhere in Paris.

-American Apparel just called and wants their nylon Taffeta jackets back.

-Shiny clothes in bright colours are so SS08.

Grade: 4.6/10 Despite a fair degree of wearablity DH SS09 is shameful and is of the nature we should never have to witness again. Very weak collection with nothing that we’ve seen before neither does it fall in line with Van Assche’s previous work making it more difficult to understand DH’s new brand identity. This is monkey business with zero originality or character.

Short Trip: Stockholm Sweden

Will be leaving the house in the next hour for what I hope will be a painless flight to Stockholm where I will be attending Stockholm fashion week. With that being said the blog will hold it’s breath until my feet are back on UK soil which will be on Thursday.